Not Zombie: Resident Evil

In the spirit of getting too far ahead of myself, let's kick off this blog with a regular feature, "Not Zombie."

"Not Zombie" will act as the conscience of the Zombie Community. When jonesing for that "zombie fix," even I must admit to a lowering of standards, but a mere 90 minutes later, as my reasoning faculties return and I find myself awash in shame, it is my duty, as it is yours, to contrast those guilty pleasures against the light of Zombie Canon, quickly expunging the heresy from the doctrine. To this end, I offer up Resident Evil, the movie that presumed its zombie card punched by its George Romero pedigree.

• Exhibit A: "Zombies" are actually just incomplete mutations from a skin-cream-gone-bad.
• lick-ochetExhibit B: The most highly-mutated victims bear no resemblance to their former human states. In fact, their bodies inflate into clean-shaven, baby-oiled muscle-scapes of bad CG endowed with "toad powers" such as a tongue that can be whipped around like a mace.
• Exhibit C: Complete denial of internal logic. Mutations vary from withered, decomposing "zombies" to idealized, claymation killing machines without explanation. None.
• Exhibit D: What's with the amnesia/flashback/Total Recall plotline?
  
• Exhibit E: Milla Jovovich.
  

If Not Zombie, Then What Is It?
X-Men meets Memento meets Voltron